When Your Words and Actions Don’t Match: Building Trust With Neurodivergent Kids

If you’re parenting a child with autism, ADHD, or severe behaviors, you already know that they take things very literally. What you say, how you say it, and whether your actions match those words, it all matters.

And when our actions don’t align with what we’ve told them, it can feel like a betrayal of trust from their perspective.

This isn’t about being a “perfect” parent. It’s about understanding how our kids process honesty, boundaries, and consistency, and how we can repair things when we fall short.

Why Matching Words and Actions Matters

Neurodivergent kids often process the world differently. For many of them, predictability and consistency are safety.

When we say one thing and do another, it’s not just confusing, it can feel like dishonesty. That’s because for a child who thrives on clear structure, mismatched messages can make the world feel unpredictable and unsafe.

Example:

You tell your child:

“It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to yell.”

But during a heated moment, you raise your voice or send them away for expressing their frustration. From their perspective, this feels like:

• “Wait, they said it’s okay to be angry… but now I’m in trouble for being angry?”
  

We’re Human, Mistakes Will Happen

Here’s the truth: You will get frustrated. You will raise your voice sometimes. You might even react in ways you wish you hadn’t.

That doesn’t make you a bad parent, it makes you human.

What matters is what happens next.

The Power of Repair

Repairing a moment after we’ve reacted in a way that didn’t align with our values is one of the most powerful parenting tools you can use.

Repair is more than just saying “sorry”, it’s about:

• Owning what happened
• Acknowledging how it may have felt for your child
• Reconnecting and restating the boundary in a clear, safe way
  

How to Repair in Practice

Here are a few ways you can respond when you notice a mismatch between your words and actions towards your special needs kids:

1. Acknowledge the Mismatch

“I told you it’s okay to feel angry, but I got upset when you yelled. I should have handled it differently.”

2. Validate Their Feelings

“It’s okay to feel mad, it’s just not okay to hit. I hope you can find a safe way to show it.”

3. Model Accountability

“I’m sorry for yelling. I was frustrated. Let’s try again.”

This doesn’t just fix the moment, it models an essential life skill: how to make things right when they’ve gone wrong.

Why This Works for Neurodivergent Kids

Children with autism and ADHD often experience:

• Heightened sensitivity to inconsistency or perceived dishonesty
• Literal interpretation of rules and expectations
• Emotional memory that holds onto moments longer than you might expect
  
  

By repairing and clarifying, you’re showing them:

• It’s safe to make mistakes
• Relationships can be restored after conflict
• Honesty and accountability are more important than perfection
  
  

Tips for Preventing Mismatches in the Future

While mistakes are inevitable, you can reduce mismatched moments by:

1. Pausing Before Reacting: Take a breath to check if your reaction matches the boundary you set.
2. Setting Realistic Expectations: Avoid rules you know you can’t consistently enforce.
3. Using Visual Reminders: Post family “rules” or values where everyone can see them.
4. Practicing Self-Regulation: Your calm helps them stay calm.
   
   

In Conclusion

Parenting a child with autism, ADHD, or severe behaviors is full of complex moments. You won’t get it right every time, and that’s okay.

The goal isn’t perfection. It’s trust. And trust is built not by never making mistakes, but by showing up, repairing, and keeping your relationship at the center.

Next time your actions don’t quite match your words, remember:
Repair is a bridge that brings you and your child back together.

You’ve got this. And if you ever need guidance, there are resources and communities ready to help.

You can join our Parenting Autism Circle HERE